belithely said hopefully

Dear Diary,

I thought I knew what I wanted in life, I thought I wanted to be more than human cause it was a rational thing to do.
But in reality I just wasn't ready to feel anything. It wasn't rational it was a cowardly escape wearing a mask of rationality that could fool even the wisest of minds. I just wanted to feel good about shutting myself down, that it was a right thing  to do and every great person does exactly that. But nope no one does that. Sure they learn to not make decisions based on emotions but just being defensive, cutting off everyone that tried to penetrate their minds yup not a great way to live life...
Like how people like to say there is a void that one keeps trying to fill, but in reality its just a hole. A hole in a boat in the middle of ocean, water keeping seeping in and slowing and gradually u drown in it, while you miserably try to block and fill that hole up to save urself from drowning. And I think I am just as lost as everyone else. In the middle of the ocean with nowhere to go. Yet constantly peddling the boat to reach a shore. A boat that has a hole in it. And I don’t want that hole there and have a normal boat like everyone else. So I don’t drown in my own instability and insanity.

Dear diary,

You know how I used to say few months back, that talking to her cures my anxiety and panic attacks.I guess I know the reason now I thought I never bubbleup emotions cause I just don't feel them. When in reality I was bubbling up. Just not in the form of anger or irritation as how most people do and they are the most common to notice but rather in the form of disappointment.
Always felt I wasnt not good enough and that made me keep going, striving harder that increased my anxiety over years. Weed helped. But with her, those emotions flow so easily and relieving me from all of that suppressed disappointments that I am not good, is what really cured me then. I couldn’t stay away from weed for 10 15 days. I needed that cause It was the only escape, only way to not worry about my unworthiness and then she came along and for the first time I was clean for months all together since past 3 years.
I was never addicted to it but definitely heavily dependent on it.
It was like a medicine that gave a temporary relief from the pain of wound until next dose but with her it felt like the wound was never there.  

 

dear diary,

you have no idea how many posts I have saved how many poems or phrases I have written about her  in the past few days that somehow conveyed what I wanted say but couldn't make myself to send them to her. sometimes I posted those as subtle stories in the hope that she would see them and perhaps understand the subtelity of those posts. Not those poems or phrases ofcourse that would have been definetly creepy.
but then I just felt I am acting all cringe and creepy, trying to gain attention like this and stopped doing that. Although I sometimes felt that she did the same but I just dismiss it as me overthinking it. Afterall she only likes me like some normal friend you know fun to chat have fun but wouldn't matter much if I was just gone from her life.

 

It takes a long time to build meaningful connections hence the reason why it doesn’t happen with everyone you meet. You meet you click so you meet again and talk more you know more you don’t click so much anymore you stop talking or just stay normal friends. Only in few rare instances does after spending long time together you still happen to click with each other. And although the kind of person you click with might not be as rare but the amount of time it takes to know someone makes that connection a lot rare than one might think. So it only makes sense to hold onto them. Its afterall human tendency to covet whats rare, otherwise diamonds could be bought for cheap dirt too.

 

Dear Diary,
             You know how when people are at their most down they realise what`s important to them, well so did I. 

It wasn't my obscure goals or weird hobbies or kinks no they were just the product of distraction. fuck I wasn't even average just a dumb kid back then all my ambitions rose when I learned to shut my emotions off, and spend time in isolation reading and thinking getting more and more aware. And I feel it was a important phase to make me self-aware
But it is also true that I was trying to meaningfully distract myself so I don't have to confront that part of me the one that I had so long ago supressed, and also have a rational reason to not face it. So that no one can say I am emotionally damaged, and Even though I had a rational reason to stop feeling anything, it did affect me. I was getting more and more narcisstic, needed more and more hardcore degrading sadistic sex, could literally feel nothing, no happiness no sadness fuck no taste for food either IDK if that's an emotion.

And you see emotions are important. I wasn't quick to realise this. The only reason I thought emotions are useful was to interact with emotional beings and manipulate them to get shit done.

But there is a lot more to it, Infact a shit ton and meeting her made me realise that.
Even though I was ambitious and had gathered more than good enough knowledge on a lot of things. I never really achieved much of anything. Cause it takes more than knowledge and goals to achieve something.
  How can you move faster than you are supposed to, jump higher than you are meant to, get up after everytime you are hit, take risky and bold decisions rather than extremely calculated and safe ones, wake up every morning with an excitement to fight rather than fighting to survive. 
How can you do all that what it takes to achieve those ambitions without that sole energizer that emotional grit.

And this realisation didn’t just happen to dawn upon me, I realised this because things started to change for me and for the first time in five years I was doing so good without even crushing myself to complete exhaustion. And maybe just for a few months I felt truly alive, like never before.

You see with her it just felt so natural to open up, to feel something, anything and soon I was feeling a whole range of emotions looking at world from a completely new perspective.

I never realised how miserable I was until I met her cause she made me realise how much truly alive and happy I can be. Although I never told her much of anything of what I felt except a few countable times. She probably had more effect on me than I can even grasp.

And even though I didn't want to, and even though I tried hard to not do so. how can one possibly think that I wouldn’t have fallen for someone who is this special to  me. Its just that it took me a long time to realise what it was I just always thought damn I feel so great with her and dismissed it as me being horny, cause I was incapable of letting myself feel you know.
I was so determined to never to be heartbroken disappointed or let anything ever hurt me.
And while I wanted to marvel with awe at this newly realised epiphany. Tell her all about it as soon as I can in person, I soon felt she was drifting away from me and thought what if she didnt feel the same way or liked me in a romantic sense. I could see my heart getting broken again and I just wasn't ready for it. I didn't wanna accept that I m gonna be heart broken just right after I realised how someone can be so important to me.
And when she said i am acting like a cringe bf i think maybe i was cause I did envy her going out with her friends and didn't have time to hang out with me as it only strengthened the notion that she didn't like me that way. And I m just another friend who wouldn’t matter much to her if gone. And that Its sure for me to get heartbroken and there is nothing I can do I about it.  Its not like she owed it to me to feel the same way but damn it hurts.

you know its funny when you have given up on emotions feeling that there is nothing left for you as all it does is hurt you.So you stay away from getting emotionally attached to people. And yet it found a new way to get back at you. To leave you even more broken when you felt it cant get any worse and that you have mastered that pain tolerance.
I guess I was just expecting too much  cause even though I don’t want to be her bf, I still wanted her company. I so much craved it, to work on crazy goals together to experiment and try new and crazy things to visit new and obscure places like our own little adventures. And like how she used to say enjoy those tiny little inconsequential moments of life together. Waking up side by side looking at each other, brushing together doing stupid little things then laughing together having our tiny little pranks.  

And its not like I would be left completely devastated with the heartbreak other than the fact that I would just grovel for a couple of weeks then move on by pulling that tough emotionally unavailable guy persona.
I think I will do just alright.
Although alright isn't being truly alive is it?
But okay its alright.